Fear, you’re not welcome here any more

Dear Fear, It has been a rather painful co-dependant relationship we’ve had the two of us. Gripping each other in cold dark cinemas, embracing each other before any sort of launch off cliffs, through rapids, accross ravines. We’ve spent evenings with our dear friend Red Wine, and debated the pros and cons of bad relationships, of moving out, of moving on. But the moments when we’ve been most intimate, most enscribed on the other’s hearts have been every single time before we had to select the word ‘publish’. Funny that, such a small thing compared to all of those ‘big’ things.

Why is it that we have clung to each other so desperately when our fingers hovered over that one particular button? We probably wouldn’t have to have too much therapy, dear Fear, to figure out what it’s all about. I mean, we are friends so there’s not much that we don’t share. Is there? We know that to put our hearts so bleedingly onto that page and then to present it to another in a sacrificial-Aztec-virgin manner has always made us retreat into eachother’s eyes longingly. Sometimes we sank so deeply that we forgot to look back up again and the world around us moved on.

Well I have news for you fear… its over. I understand that you’ll find this difficult and probably sulk and cry for quite some time. But I won’t be holding out a hand to you again. Sulk all you like, hunker down in the corner and glower at me through cold blood-shot eyes. I will turn away. No matter how pathetic and wretched your entreaties are you will no longer find a home in my heart. No, I’ve decided that you’ve been holding me back in this relationship. To be honest my closest friends have always told me that you’re quite dominating. They didn’t like the control that you’ve had over me. They wanted me to plan an exit strategy. All I had to do was wait for a day when you weren’t home. I’m always stronger when you aren’t whispering right next to me. They suggested I build up my strength a little. Start writing. Start doing. Start BEING who I am. And then, in that moment of absolute belief I CHANGED THE LOCKS!

I don’t want this to be a bad break up. Really I don’t. I’m sure we’ll see each other briefly at family events, times when I may have to make a speech, do something new. I’ll be polite. No need to make a scene. But I’m dating someone new now. Strength and I are pretty hot to trot. His whole family is rather enticing, they cook me slow cooked morrocon lamb and cheer when I walk through the door. Courage and Belief, Strength’s parents, are particularly welcoming. It’s as if they had been waiting for me.

Fear, I really do appreciate the years we spent together. There was a time and place for what we had. And don’t move on too quickly, give women a break for a little while, god knows they need it. As for me, don’t you worry. Something tells me I’m going to be just fine.


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